WtAF Eloise Journal DT4

Session 13 (05/06/2015)

October 10th, 2014

Dear Luther,

I will never admit it to the children (God, they would hate it that I think of them as such, but I can't help it), but I am utterly haunted. Not in the way one might think, considering what we do. No, I'm haunted by what happened...and by what should have happened.

I related to you what happened in my last journal entry: the demon, the woman, and the damage to that family.

But what should have happened? We should have known enough to know it was a demon from the beginning. That family should never have had to go through that. Yes, they all survived, but at what cost? And as I think of that poor institutionalized woman never again permitted near her child or husband? That family, who think their beloved mother and wife lost her mind and tried to kill them?

When I think of them, I cannot help but think of myself as we were researching. I was lackadasical, Luther. So unconcerned. This sort of research was pedestrian to me at that moment, so much so that I really paid more attention to my wineglass than I did to the texts in front of me.

Is this why you never told me, Luther? Is this why you never let me share your hunt, because I was the sort of person who could get drunk instead of researching the nature and signs of evil spirits?

I am so deeply ashamed, Luther. It makes me weep even now, just to think of it.

But now? Now I'm on fire, Luther. I know what it is to have a crusade, I feel - a holy endeavor. I am the one who owns all of these books, and I'm very capable when I set my mind to it. So, I've sworn off alcohol, particularly during hunts. When we have quarry, I don't even look at the stuff.

And I'm reading, Luther. Obsessively, perhaps, but I just...I have so much to make up for. And next time? Next time, I will know. I will see the signs, and I will know what it is we are facing, and we will be ready. God as my witness.

I love and miss you dearly still, my Luther. Would that you were here to keep me from these mistakes, and to see me turn them around and do so much better.

October 19th, 2014

Dear Luther,

We've had a great deal of time. Life goes on, of course. We've had a hunt involving a relatively young vampire, which we handled with aplomb and skill. Well, if we're being honest, they handled it. There was nothing to prepare for, nothing to research, and I waited behind the wheel as I'm supposed to.

I've continued my research - several hours every day. I have read an incredible selection of lore, and tried to commit as much of it to memory as I can. We will be well-researched. I've also started keeping a set of notebooks of my own, a slim black leatherbound journal for each of the kinds of creatures involved, as well as another notebook for "occult and folkloric miscellanea," if you will.

But this time has gotten me thinking. The caution your group undertook, the careful contingencies and secrecy...and how it availed none of you at all. So, I'm going to make us harder to kill, by making us not difficult to find, but too important to make disappear.

We need influence for this hunt, Luther. We need influence and wealth and connections to allow us to make this work, and I'm going to get it. I thought for a moment about restarting your business, but let's be honest: I know nothing about heavy industry. I remember that you used to joke that I was the one who really ran the business, and I would insist that all I did was throw parties, dinners, and keep the little black book of important phone numbers.

But all jesting aside, that was the thing I was best at. But that is nothing to be scoffed at, my research has revealed to me. There are people in important places in society whose main jobs are arranging parties and the like - usually for good causes. Professional philanthropists, who take in good tax-reducing donations from the rich they know, and apportion that around to well-deserving charities and social justice causes. They are entire firms who handle the charity drives, marketing, and media presence for these efforts, and take their cut as well.

I could do that, you know. Very capably. It's something I'm thinking on, because I don't want to rush into anything. Mostly, I've been continuing to keep up my presence in local society, but (considering how fulfilling the hunt is), it is starting to ring a little hollow, if I'm being truthful. But this? This has promise.

I love and miss you, Luther. I'm learning as much about the hunt as I can from your notes, but I shall also carry out the hunt in other ways, in ways that cater to my own strengths.

October 29th, 2014

We finally tracked down Mark Lindstrom. He was fairly difficult to find, and it took some social finessing of his agent in order to do so, but find him we did. He's become a hermit, living out in the country, in a house on some property near the woods. It took a great deal of convincing, but he has finally agreed to assist us. He won't join our Hunt, but he will train us better for it.

I must admit, I'm a tiny bit taken with Mark. In some ways he reminds me of you, Luther - not that he himself is like you, but he knew you during your lifetime. We shared different parts of your life with you, and even though we never met before, knowing him is like having an old friend. Is it strange to be attracted to someone because they remind you of your deceased husband? If so, it's no stranger than anything else in my life these days, I suppose, and a great deal more normal than some of it.

I've thought about what it would mean to be involved with someone again. Romantically, I mean. I don't think I'm ready for it - for the longest time, I assumed I'd play the widow until I drank myself into the grave. These days, though, there's a great deal less alcohol in my system, though Lord knows the shakes and shivers I got for a few days there were awful. I had to ask Meredith to come make sure I was alright. Now that I'm not longer "sauced up" (as Meredith put it), I can see that attitude as not romantic, but in fact fatalistic. And I have something to live for again.

Mark has begun training us in working together as a team, and I do quite like it. Though I'm not quite so adept with the physical elements of our Hunt, there are other aspects. We chatted a bit about how to extricate ourselves stealthily from a situation, and he and I spoke for a while about the kinds of encouragement and inspiration that hunters sometimes need before facing the worst. I am feeling increasingly competent.

That is perhaps why I've asked Mark to train me in how to use a gun. I know I could ask Josephine to do so - she's be thrilled to teach me, I have every faith - but I'm embarrassed of my lack of ability in that regard. Plus, getting some training with a gun (he's teaching me to fire a hunting rifle at the moment) gives me the perfect excuse to spend time with him. I usually bring dinner up, and it's almost pleasant.

Inspired by this, I have engaged Robert in yet another project: this time converting the old wine cellars into a training room. I can tell that it's going to be essential that we keep ourselves in fighting trim, and have a place to learn and practice new skills and techniques. At this rate, the whole of the basement will be dedicated to the Hunt! It's frankly a wonder to me that Luther and his band managed to restrain their use of the basement to just the workshop area.