Storm Journal

A Letter from Sara

Dear Ryan,

I'm sorry I haven't written before now. I wish I had some good reason why, except that it's been really hard. Things were so weird and crazy around here after...all that stuff happened, and it feels like things are only now just returning to normal.

Mom and Dad took everything that happened really hard. Dad was terrified, and kind of joined in all the stuff that everyone else was saying. Saying that I was lucky you'd broken up with me, and stuff. But Mom won't hear it around her - she says that she knows that you didn't mean to kill Caleb, or that you were really sick, or something. She doesn't really pretend to know why - she just won't hear people bad mouth you.

She and your Mom have become friends. After everything happened, people around here kinda started treating your family a little different. I think people were just scared and hurt, you know? I mean, even now, things are getting back to normal - it was just people having all these bad emotions and nowhere to focus them on, if that makes sense? So, they were kinda mean to your family for a while.

Well, like I said, Mom wouldn't hear any of it, and she and your Mom became pretty solid friends. Its kinda hard to see her, because it makes me think of you. And I think the reverse is true, too. Sometimes, when I come home and your Mom is there, she looks up with this look like she expects you to come in the door after me - kinda like we always did. Then, its like she remembers, and her face just falls. She doesn't really cry as much any more.

I've kinda gotten a bad reputation around school, now. When all this first happened, Barbie came crying to me, trying to...I dunno. Its like, she wanted the two of us to cry over how lucky we were to not be killed by you. I'm sorry...that sounds really awful, and I just sat here for like ten minutes trying to decide whether or not to erase that, but we've always been honest with each other, Ryan.

Anyway, so when I wouldn't say that I was scared of you, and wouldn't bad mouth you, she started saying that I was glad you'd done what you'd done and all. Of course, stuff like that gets around school, and what was I going to do? I mean, I told people that what you'd done was wrong, and that I felt really bad for Barbie, but they wanted to hear me make you out to be some kinda...I dunno. Monster.

The counselor at school says that people need to turn people who do bad things into monsters. She says that it helps them separate what they feel from what those who do bad things feel. She says that people are afraid that bad things can happen to anyone, that good people can do bad things, and so they deny it. She says that they need to turn you into a monster so that they can sleep at night knowing that there is no way they could do the same, you know?

I'm sorry, Ryan. When I sat down to write this letter to you, I tried to figure out what I wanted to say. But I couldn't pretend that none of this happened, and just talk about dumb stuff. That would be dishonest, and we always said we'd be honest with each other, you know?

I hate what you did. But you know what's worse? I think I hate you more because you did it for her and not for me. I know that's awful, and I feel really guilty about it. I've talked to the counselor, and she says that its normal, but still. But there is one thing I hate even more than all that, something that I haven't told anybody.

I hate myself for still loving you.

If I were smart, I'd put you out of my mind, try to forget you, and maybe even make myself feel better by turning you into some kind of monster with everyone else. But when I try and sleep at night, I don't think about how people treat me, or how guilty I feel. I just think about the times when we'd lay back on the bales of hay at your grand-dad's farm, under the stars, and we'd make up constellations, cause we didn't know the real ones.

I hope where you are at isn't too horrible. But I also hope that you feel terrible, horrible guilt, Ryan. Because you should. And yet, if I could see you, I'd do it in a moment. Your Mom won't tell me what the address is of the place you're at; she is just having me drop off the sealed envelope to you.

(I hope she doesn't open it and read it, and if you do, I'm really sorry, Mrs. Penn. I just have to be honest, and you promised you wouldn't read it.)

I love you.

Sara

A Letter to Sara

Dear Sara,

God, it's good to hear from you. I'm not saying I'm happy to hear how things are in Idaho Falls, but it's nice to be in touch. I've tried to write you so many times but I never knew what to say. For all I knew you hated me. I wouldn't blame you if you did.

I wish we could have left things off in a better place. I'm glad we broke up because if things had gone bad when we were together, well I don't know what would have happened but I couldn't bare the thought of hurting you. I don't know if I ever told you that I didn't break up with you because I stopped loving you. I think I broke up with you because I loved you too much. The idea of settling down with the girl I'd been in diapers with and never knowing what it was like to play the field scared me. I just want you to know that I never stopped caring for you. I've missed you.

Things are good out here. I'm in a town in New York slightly bigger than Idaho Falls. I'm in a group home for people with shady pasts but who genuinely want out of that lifestyle. It's privately funded by someone my Aunt Dorthy knows. I live with four other people. The administation seems really well educated. We attend public school as well as various classes here at the sanctuary. The idea is to keep things as normal as possible so that when our records are expunged when we turn 18 we can go out and be normal adults and out of the system. I'm very greatful to be here instead of Juvinille Hall. New York is alot different than Idaho. There just isn't the same types of people out here.

I wish I could tell you what happened that night. I can't remember. I know that I was drinking with my brother's frat in Boise and the next thing I knew I was waking up in jail. I feel really horribly about the whole thing. The worst part is that I don't know what triggered the whole thing. I don't think it was just about Barbie. I think I was just worked up or something. I never cared about her like I care about you. We do alot of self-control exercises here so nothing like that will ever happen again. I really hope that is true.

How is Kris doing? Nobody mentioned the hard times the family was having over the phone. I want them all to be alright. I want you to be alrigh. Hell I want everyone to be alright, but I know that can't happen.

From my bedroom window I can see Larry the Bunny in the sky. I know he's looking at you too. Take care of yourself.

Love, Ryan

A Letter from Sara

Dear Ryan

I am so happy to have your address now! I won't tell your mother that I have it, and your location is safe with me.

Wow, New York. Have you seen the Statue of Liberty yet? Have you seen the place where the Twin Towers used to be. It must be so amazing to be in such a historic part of the country. There are a million things I would want to do and see there, but you're probably really busy. I found where you are at in an atlas - did you know you are really close to Niagara Falls?

I know you think that things would have been worse if this had all happened when we'd been together, but a part of me can't help but think that this would never have happened if we had, you know? I mean, I know I really don't know exactly what happened or why you did it, but I can't help but somehow feel that if I'd been a better girlfriend, or done something right, all of this wouldn't have happened. I mean, why would you need to be competing with anyone for Barbie, if I'd found a way to keep you, you know?

I know that's crap. The stupid therapist my mom is making me see says so, too, but still - sometimes, you can't help feel that way.

I think it's great that you're in a program to help make sure that your life isn't ruined by all this that happened. I was terrified that this would haunt you for the rest of your life - officially, I mean. I'm glad that program exists, and I'm glad that your aunt knew people in it. I hope those exercises are working. Meghan, my older sister, wants me to start taking yoga or meditation or something with her; she says it will help a lot, but Meghan's always been into that kind of weird stuff. Is that the kind of thing you guys are doing?

It's weird. I've been talking to Barbie a lot lately. I mean, at first, she was horrible to me - the therapist says it was because she was feeling anger, and needed someone to take it out on, so I guess that's okay. She's apologized, and we talk about a lot of stuff. She's asked if I'm in contact with you. I told her no, and she said that was too bad. I asked her why, and she said because she felt like it would do her a lot of good to writer you a letter or something.

It's weird. She doesn't really hang out with the old people she used to. She doesn't want anything to do with the rodeo and all that anymore; she says its too painful for her now.

Jeez. I should stop talking about her. I just...I just wanted you to know that we're alright, I guess. I know your family kinda keeps you in the dark about stuff, and I don't want to do that. I love you, but I'm not going to spare your feelings any, and pretend things are okay. But I'm also not going to punish you and not tell you that things are getting better here, too.

I miss you. Tons. Thank god Larry is able to watch over you when I'm not there.

Love, Sara

A Rant with Kelly

God Kelly, I can't believe how much the others don't think, or worse than that don't care, about what's right and wrong. It's like they let thier concious run away when they awakened, or maybe even before, and it's all about power games and manipulating stuff. I mean sure times are dangerous, but that's no reason to act like a bunch of selfish idiots. Marbus thinks it's OK to go poking around in people's minds if there's something useful to be found. Promacus pretty much agrees. The girls at least have the sense to know it's wrong, but thier reasoning leaves something to be desired. They were all focused on the fact that he was doing it to a mage and that is to risky, sure that's part of it, but there's the part about common decency. I mean if the neighbors don't have a lock on thier door it still isn't alright to go trapesing about in their house and sort through their things. It's an invasion of privacy. Kore was absolutely right when she said it was like a rape, of course the others were all like now let's not exaggerate here. But you know it's true, and there's some of us, I mean mages not us in the cabal, that go about every day doing the equivalent of raping sleepers and I want no part of it.

I'm sorry to go off like this. I know this is all old news. It's stuff I was worried about back when we were in school together. That the others don't seem to see how dangerous this all is. There's the obvious dangers, that vampires consider us a force to be reckoned with and all of the other mages have this crazy political competition thing going on that obviously leads to alot of backstabbing, oh and lets not forget the mages that think we shouldn't exist or the crazy fucks in the keepers of the veil that think everyone needs to follow their rules. But there's more than that. There's the dangers that the magic will turn you into a monster. Absolute power corrupting and all that. If we let ourselves think about what is convienient instead of what's right we'll turn into a bunch of crazy fucks. I mean isn't that what happened in the Atlantis myths? If you listen it's totally there, but nobody wants to listen. Gods bless us because we just might need it!

But you know talking with Dusk showed me something else too. As far as cabals go we're not too bad off. I mean I thought we were, but over there they have people actively working against members of their group. For all intents and purposes Dusk pretty much sees herself as a spy. Compared to that we're pretty fucking cohesive. Sure we fight, but we fight because we genuinely care what one another thinks. Even Violet's that way and she hardly knows the rest of us, except for Marbus of course. So I guess all and all we have some kinks but we're not the most disfunctional of families. Hell we might even be approaching healthy. If I could just get them to think things through once in awile I might not mind staying in New York.

Ryan internalizing

Ryan lay in bed trying to get some rest before the assembly. He dreaded going. There he would have to face everyone in the free counsel. Everyone who thinks of him as one of the few on their side, but by now word would have traveled from Dusk about his support of Antonia. He would be seen as a traitor, or at least as incredibly flighty. He would not be able to simply show them his reasoning. Hell, he didn't even fully approve of his reasoning. He wished there was a way he could tell what's-his-name in Boston to fuck off, and that there would be some way of standing up to him. Everyone knows the best way to deal with a bully is to fight back, but sometimes it just isn't an option, and that really sucks.

All of this dread stayed in the back of his mind as the moment approached. There were bigger things weighing on him at this moment. More personal things. He thinks of Kelly.

He wonders what she thinks of him now. He fears that she may be angry at him. That she may see the situation as egotistical. That she may not believe that the vampires were using her and may see only that her former lover and a senior member of her old coven, just killed her priestess, or whatever she thinks she was. He doesn't know if he could take having another person in his life that sees him as a murderer. He wonders if she knows how close she came to dying.

The knowlege of how close she came to dying weighs heavily on him. One wrong move, one moment to finish beheading the bitch, and Kelly would be gone. She was fading fast when he got to her, but he saved her, and the world rejoiced. He wonders how he would be different if things hadn't worked out. Would he be blinded with rage like Marbus was when Violet died? He plays the situation out in his mind, sees himself horrifically mutilating the corpse and lashing out at Mona. He shudders, not wanting to admit how easy it is to identify with the image. Would he become a vigulante like Mona, feeling the drive deep in his soul to rid the world of the vile creatures. The one thing he knows for sure is that he would never be the same. In that moment he admits to himself how much he loves her.

It wasn't hard to do. She is his best friend. She is the one that followed him to England and refused to grow apart. She has seen him at his worse and loved him in spite of it. He remembers how he once was afraid to touch her, and certain that she wouldn't understand, yet somehow she did. He knows that without her to help him with his research back at the sanctuary he would never be where he is today. She inspired him to delve into this part of himself that had caused him so much grief and work with it. At first he thought her exitement was misdirected. That if she knew how aweful magic could be she wouldn't think of it that way. It was the part that annoyed him most about her. As time passed though, it changed to an endearing innocence. She was forever the child that didn't realize that the cute little mountain lions were deadly, or realized, but didn't let it affect her wonder. It was beautiful. He worries that this experience will make her jaded. That she will not have that light in her eyes at the mention of magic any more.

Conversation

Hey Boudicca,

This Hades thing really creeps me out. I can't believe it's really him. It's just that he's so different than what I'd imagined. I really don't like him. I expected him to be dark in that all knowlegable beyond death kinda way, I didn't expect him to be a bitter decadent old man. He was really just a manipulative basterd living off of dreams of the past and an ablility to toy with people. It's just not right. He kinda reminds me of that old lady in that Dickens book they made us read in school. Great Expectations?

He can't tell I'm talking about him can he? Because that would really suck.

Sorry, he just really rubbed me the wrong way. And he totally fed into the higher than everyone else mage thing. If he's a God I'm sure he doesn't actually buy that crap, he just knows that he can use us better if we do.

It makes me wonder about our Gods. How do we know that Brigid isn't just as bad, or The Morrigan, or any of the others? How do we know that we're really not working toward good and not doing something like strenghthening the New York Mob when we worship?

I feel like the world just got alot more complicated, and I'm not sure if I know where I stand in it anymore.

A Trip to the Pound

Storm walked the cage lined hall and let his mind open to the many creatures around him. "Who wants to be a guard dog?" he asked. Many voices answered. "Who is loyal enough to fight and protect?" still many answers. "Who wants to live a dangerous life?" "Who is willing to be changed forever and altered to thier full potential?" He continued asking until there was just one voice agreeing to the horrors he described. That voice was a young brave husky shepard mix, beautiful and silver with eyes that showed wisdom and a voice filled with impetuous determination. The dog knew that it had a life ahead of it and that the hall was getting shorter. He was beautiful and Storm hoped Kelly would approve. He had mentioned getting her a dog but he hadn't wanted her to fall in love with one that wasn't willing to be changed, so he hadn't told her what he was planning. "I'll take this one," He said aloud pointing at the cage. And then to the dog, "I dub you Knight, may you serve your mistress well," he said formally.

At home Kelly was busily studying a pile of books and drinking a cup of tea when Storm arrived. "There is your lady, go make her love you," Storm instructed. Tea spewed across the table as Kelly gasped in shock at the dog bounding toward her and laying his head on her knee. "Gods Storm!" she laughed, "where did this come from?"

"Kelly, I'm not going to be able to be around all the time to take care of you and this city's not a safe place. So I got found someone to help look after you."

"I'm capable of taking care of myself," she started to protest, but than she stopped knowing he was right, "Thanks honey, he's really cute. Does he have a name?"

"Knight," he replied clearly thinking about how to say the next thing as he spoke, "There's this thing I can do, I've never actually done it before, where I can make Knight stronger, we've got an agreement, he and I. He knows I saved his life. So if you want to be a part of that we can do it whenever."

Kelly's eyes widened with glee, "Really?"

"Yea, lets go take Knight here and set up circle." He let his reservations go and smiled with her pleasure. Than his smile turned to a smirk, "Lets do some magic!" He told her playfully, chasing her into the next room.

A Call to Grandma

Hey Gram, How are things? How's Grandpa? How's the ranch?

Things are going well here. Yea I'm still in New York. Aunt Dorothy agreed that I should go study medicine here. Yea of course we still keep in touch. I spend alot of the holidays with her in England.

So anyways, you remember me mentioning my friend Kelly? I asked her to marry me Gram, and she said yes. Yea it's real exciting. Now don't go saying anything just yet, nobody knows. I've kinda got a problem. You know how different things are with Aunt Enula, I mean Dorothy right? I mean the stuff about her being a witch. Yea the stuff about us all being witches. Well then you understand why I haven't said anything to the family yet. Kelly wants to get married at the covenstead here with Aunt Dorothy priestessing. How the hell am I, oh sorry about the language, how am I supposed to tell that to Mom and Dad? I don't want to tell Britney that her big brother isn't a good Christian boy. She's already had to hear that I'm a murderer. Sorry gram, yea I know, that's the past. But seriously, and that's just the beginning. That's not even getting into the part where folks here call me Storm. You know mom thinks its so silly when she hears about people changing thier names on TV. So yea, I'm kinda stuck here. I love you all and miss you terribly and couldn't dream of getting married without ya, but it's like we live in different worlds. How do I explain that?